Nastygram nr. 645PB39
Posted by Exile on July 28, 2006
From: Hassan Nasrallah, Hezbollah HQ.
To: Local Commanders, South Lebanon.
Greetings my muslim brothers! May Allah hold your tiny hands in the dark. May the prophet look down upon you with his beady eye and bless your asses.
Right, that’s enough of the niceties you pile of stinking Jackals crap. You really aren’t doing enough to win this little shoot ’em up and it’s beginning to get embarassing for me here in the safety of northern Beirut. Not only are you not winning the war, you are also losing the press game too. Now, it’s time to re-examine the tactical handbook.
Firebases. These should be set up near UN peacekeeeping posts, hospitals, orphanages and schools only. No point in going out in the open. When these places get bombed, take pictures and send them to Reuters. Don’t forget, keep those weapons hidden from the cameras.
Defenses. Don’t waste your time digging defensive positions. Take a few able bodied civvies with you and make sure they are closer to the fighting than you are. You can just hide behind them. Children and women are fine. Tell the kids to run outside when they hear the whistle of incoming shells and “catch one for Allah”. Make it a game. Take pictures of the dead kids and send them to Reuters.
Weapons stores. Find a suitable house, with children, in the middle of town. The man should preferably be a cripple already and the woman pregnant. Loads of kids are a must. If the Israelis don’t get ’em before you have to leave, then kill ’em yourselves, blow up the houses and arrange the carcasses nicely in the rubble. Take pictures and send them to Reuters.
UN observation posts. These are great! If the issies get too close, then hide your weapons under the womens’ burkhas and then take them and some kids to the UN post and tell them that you are just a family trying to get out of the war zone. They will feed and shelter you so that you can go on fighting later. Use them.
Finally, bombs, bullets and memory cards for your cameras, food and water will be supplied later to the usual drop points as soon as the unmarked UN convoy gets through from Syria.
Now get out there and die like the martyrs you think you are, instead of whining about the lack of support from us up here on the border with Syria where we are having a hard time of it reading all about you. Me, the iranians and the syrians, are all behind you.